What now?

So, the title of this post has a double meaning.  Both "what, now?" as in say what?  And "what now?" as in what in the world am I supposed to do now?

As some of you may have already seen on Facebook, I was laid off this morning.  Totally out of the blue, completely shocked, let go.  Now this is the newspaper job that I just started a month ago, that I thought was me finally getting in line with God's will, getting to do what I love, a "meant to be" kinda job.  After I interviewed for it, I KNEW he was going to offer it to me.  The interview went really well but also the editor and I had very similar values, interests and outlooks on writing.  I was sure as day that this is what God had been wanting me to wait for, month after month, at that miserable last job I was at.  Or was it?

I came in to work this morning, feeling pretty bleh actually.  I thought it was just the usual fatigue/blood sugar stuff but who knows, maybe I was having a premonition.  Anyway, I had barely been there 20 minutes... came in, put my lunch away, used the restroom, booted up my computer and talked to my editor for a minute, when the publisher (my boss' boss) stopped me and asked me to come into her office.  So I went in and noticed our accounting/hr person was in there too (but still thought nothing of it) and she says, "Well we've come to the 30 day mark of the 90 probationary period and we're going to let you go."

WHAT?

I swear I think I was in shock or something cuz I didn't even know what to say.  I know I was completely poised and polite and I think I said something along the lines of "I understand" and "Thank you for the opportunity."  The reason I was given is that they "needed someone with more experience, whose more familiar with AP style" and that my stories "needed to be edited too much."

Now, let me say here, that #1) they were 100% aware of who I was and how much experience I had when they hired me, #2) AP style basically just refers to punctuation/grammar/capitalization kinda rules and I keep a guide on my desk for reference anyway and 3) my editor doesn't even change my stories that much!  Also, this woman who was speaking to me is the publisher, not the editor.  I don't think she's even edited one of my stories.

So after I left her office, I went straight back to the editor's office.  Now, let me pause again here to clarify, this is NOT the editor that hired me.  The man that interviewed me, that I felt like I bonded with, that was such a great guy, had left and gone to another publication at the end of my first week there.  I was kinda bummed but figured it'd be okay cuz the man who ended up taking over the position was the other reporter and he seemed like a good guy too.  Also, the publisher had nothing to do with my hiring, at least as far as I never met her until after I was hired.  She was out of town when I came in for the interview.

Back to me stopping in the editor's office... I said "so I guess you already know about that" and he just said what?  When I said what [publisher - I won't use her name] just talked to me about, he just said "about updating your hours for Saturday?"  So then I realized even he didn't know and I said no, she just let me go. His jaw literally dropped and he just looked at me in shock and said "what??"  So I told him what she had said and he said he thought I was doing a good job and that he wasn't making that many changes to my stories and that he had already seen improvement in the couple weeks I had been there.  (On a side note, this editor had also said several times that I was a better writer than him, that I had written for bigger papers than he ever had and that on one story that we co-wrote together, that my portion was more compelling than his.)  So by this time, I had lost control of the waterworks and he said to me, "Well if it makes you feel better, I'm not the editor anymore."  Now it was my turn to say what??  Apparently, right before me, she had him behind closed doors and told him that he wasn't ready for the responsibility of being editor and that they had jumped the gun (hmmm... same thing she said to me about the other editor hiring me).  So now he was going back to being the other reporter.

I was shocked too but it all started to be a little clearer when he mentioned that there was some other guy who had already interviewed for the reporter position but didn't take it because of the money, who now apparently had come back into the picture and wanted to take the job.  I guess originally he was going to fill the editor's open reporter slot but with him being demoted back to reporter, I was one person too many!  I didn't even say anything to the publisher after he told me this but it seemed pretty cut and dry (and crappy) to me at that point.  I went back to my desk and told the photographer who sits across from me and same reaction... jaw literally dropped and what??  Told my friend who works right next to me... her jaw dropped and what??  No one could believe it.  The photographer shook his head and just kept saying how stupid it was and then said something like "you know what, that's par for the course around here" so I guess maybe stuff like this has happened before?  The lady that works next to me had to leave (she's an ad sales rep) but she got my email/phone number (with tears in her eyes) and then the photographer invited me to lunch with his fiance (the poor accounting/hr woman who sat uncomfortably in the publisher's office with me) and another coworker.

When I was at lunch with them, I found out that apparently two other people were "behind closed doors" after they left for lunch, so who knows what happened with them.  But personally, I just feel like the publisher must've wanted someone else for my position for awhile and not liked that the other editor that hired me.  At first, she was sweet as pie to me and even told me I could stay at her house on nights with bad weather since she lived close by.  But then these past couple weeks, I noticed she didn't talk to me or hardly even acknowledge me in the office and she never got my business cards which I had asked for like my first week there.  Guess maybe the wheels were already churning at that point.

Like I said, I'm not an editor, but I would think that your readers expressing their enjoyment and approval of a writer's work would be important.  Not to mention other editors of papers that are a lot larger and a lot more successful than yours.  But hey, what do I know?

So I guess tonight I am feeling a mix of emotions.  First it was shock, then it was sadness, then it was anger on my drive home, then just pretty much... nothing?  I don't know if that's the right word for it or not, but after those initial feelings earlier today, I still find myself playing with the dogs, making my dinner and well... just going about my regular activities.  I guess that's a good thing?  Now, of course, if I even let myself start to think about the financial part and start to wonder how I'm going to pay all of my bills, then I freak out.  But I'm not as freaked out about the job as I would've thought I'd be.  It still sucks and I'm still all kinds of confused, but what's that thing about being broken down until you have nothing left to do but look up and depend FULLY on God?  Maybe I've reached that point cuz all I'm really thinking at this point is wow, this definitely happened for a reason.  Now I just have to find out (not figure out) what that is.

Overall, I have learned that I unfortunately expect the worst most of the time.  I know that's awful to say and I don't want to be that way, cuz generally I TRY to be a positive person.  But I mean on a subconscious level, if I'm totally honest, I've realized that I do expect good things not to last and bad things to happen.  I'm sure that's the product of a not-so-happy home environment growing up, then thinking I found the love of my life and picturing wedding/babies/happy ever after and having that go horribly wrong, plus losing my dad, my sweet puppy and a bunch of other craziness... I think I got groomed that way without even noticing.  BUT I don't want to be that way, so I will intentionally continue to purposefully think the opposite way, even in cases like this.  Honestly, I didn't expect this to turn out this way at all.  But now that it has, I am choosing to not see it as another good thing coming to an end, but instead something okay getting out of the way to make room for something better.

Who knows?  My sister mentioned on the phone tonight that maybe I should look into jobs with animals since I have such an overwhelming love for them.  It's funny cuz this whole time I've been thinking that I was going to look into something with animals for my PT 2nd job, but maybe it will end up being the other way around and animals will be my FT job and writing will go back to being PT freelance.  I do know that I have literally been bombarded with animals for over a year now.  At my last job, I kept finding animals in the parking garage (seriously, who does that??) and then at this job, I kept seeing dogs on the road that I traveled back and forth to Lenoir.  Several right on the edge of the road that I drove myself crazy praying for their safety and one just this past Saturday that I pulled off the road and attempted to save (eventually some guy came out of the brush and called the dog over to him, after it had almost gotten run over not once, but twice!).  Maybe that has been God talking to me, as I was driving to what I thought I was supposed to be doing, revealing to me literally from all sides, what I need to be doing.  I do know without a doubt my love for animals is pretty much THE strongest 100% tied to my heart emotion that I have.  Guess I'll see...

I'm just going to pray, try to be quiet and listen, and of course... job search yet again.  I know for sure God has blessed me to love/be good at:

*Animals
*Writing
*Organization
*Event planning

There are other things I am good at and other jobs I can do, but I know these are my strengths and passions so hopefully I will still end up doing one of these things or maybe all of them!  Only God knows for sure.

I know I'm not strong enough to be,
everything that I'm supposed to be.
I give up.
I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me,
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough,
Strong enough
For the both of us.

-Matthew West, Strong Enough