Dear Mom

Dear Mom, I just had another one of those moments.  I walked into my bathroom to grab a kleenex since my allergies are driving me nuts and out of the blue, my brain tried (and failed) to process the fact that you're gone.  Again.  It happens every once in awhile, usually very randomly.  And usually unsuccessfully.  It's that same feeling that you get when you try to process the fact that you yourself are mortal and that one day you won't see this world anymore.  It's kind of a pit in your stomach and this misfiring in your brain where it just tries and tries to wrap itself around the thought but can't quite get it.  Obviously I know you're gone.  But my brain sometimes forgets.  It misfires and tells me to text or call you.  Or more often, it does what it just did.  Just randomly decides to process that information all over again.  She's not here anymore.  No, REALLY.  Like you won't see her anymore.  Ever.  Your mom.  The one you just saw a few weeks ago.  That you talked to constantly.  The one you did so many things with.  Your mommy.  That you loved so much.  Who loved you so much.  Yea, she's really gone.  Crazy isn't it?  Yes, brain it is.  Thank you for reminding me.

Thankfully those moments come and go.  For the most part, I'm doing better than I thought I would.  Yes, I walk around all the time with a pit in my stomach and a hole in my  heart but I'm not under the covers wishing the world or my life would end.  So I guess that's good right?  I still get dressed (even if it does take me til about 1 or 2pm everyday to do so) and I still see my friends.  I eat little bits when I can although the action of cooking a meal for myself is still too much.  I know you would harass me about this and tell me I need to eat a good meal.  But I just can't do it yet.  I mostly watch TV or movies and do a little bit of writing or answering emails here and there.  It's all I have the energy to do right now.  But it's okay, don't worry.  I'm not going to go off the deep end.  This is all I can manage to do right now so I'm letting that be the case cuz I know it won't always be this way.

I cried again a little bit ago too.  I've been fine all day.  K came over for a bit.  We had coffee together and then took a nice walk.  I know she understands what I'm going through and I've actually been able to talk about you without crying for a couple days.  But then I brought up your card again.  The one that you sent me for Mother's Day.  I love how you did things like that, sent ME a card for Mother's Day.  :)  I still keep it on top of my stereo in my living room cuz I love looking at it.  I love that you wrote "I hope you know how much I love you."  But tonight I tried to say that I hope you knew how much I loved YOU and I couldn't get the words out.  The waterworks started.  I do though.  I hope you knew.  I hope you knew that you were my best friend and I loved you SO SO much.  I hope you know how much I miss you every second of every day.  It's something I know I'll never know for sure but I hope you knew.

People have told me several times how well I'm doing and how strong I am.  It feels good when they tell me that cuz that's what I want to be for you and for God.  But it's funny cuz I definitely don't always feel that way on the inside.  I guess I know it to a certain degree... the fact that I could get through what I have in the past (you know what I mean) and now get through losing you with any amount of dignity, I know I have to be strong.  But I guess I just forget it sometimes.  So I thank God for the people He puts in my life to remind me.  I feel like that's part of the purpose for all this.  That I am supposed to be a light throughout this process so people can see the power of God in my life.  Not that I need to be perfect.  But that people will see Him carry me.  As you and I both know He will.

I feel a strong need to speak up too and use my voice to speak for people going through grief.  The same way I feel about DV.  I think that's what I'm supposed to do.  Not that God intended me necessarily to be hurt by both things, but that He wants to USE that hurt to help others.  I know you'd be so excited for me.  I'm not sure how it's going to all play out but I know God will give me the words and the vehicle to do it.  Both things are so misunderstood that I feel compelled to speak out and in that way, I'm actually grateful to God for choosing me.  Of course I wish you were still here with me but if I have to go through this in order for God to do something bigger with it, then I'm okay with that and I know you would be too.  People just don't fully understand what this experience is like until they go through it and that's okay.  I know they mean well and most people just don't know what to say or do.  It's not something that you really can explain.  It will literally be something everyone will only fully understand when they go through it themselves.  And hopefully I can use this experience to help them when that time does come.  I'll admit, it does feel lonely right now and there are emotions of anger and frustration but at least I know that they're normal and I'm not a bad person for having them.  Course, I wish I could talk to you about them.  I know you'd have a wise response like you always did.

There have actually been a ton of things I've wanted to tell you in the past couple days.  Random stuff like we used to talk about... the yummy food K made for me the other night, the new job I'm starting next week, what's going on with the house, all the freelance work that I've gotten, what the naturopath had to say and how awesome the Vitamix is that you ordered.  You were so cute talking about all the things you were gonna make.  I haven't made the sweet potato soup you were so excited about but I promise I will.  :)  I just wish you had the chance to use it.  :(  Who would've known that you'd be gone just two weeks after that??  You were JUST in my house!  How is it possible that now you're gone forever?  I know you were only here for a week but I'll admit, I don't like being in that back bedroom anymore.  It just makes me think of you.  I have memories in that room and the bathroom and I don't like it.  I'll be glad to be out of here for that reason.  But don't get me wrong, I'm SO glad we had those two weeks together.  I know you were too.  Who knew they'd be the last real time we would have together?  It's crazy.

I noticed that I've been seeing butterflies constantly and I actually had the thought earlier today that I wondered if that was you but I didn't think there was any real connection between them and you.  Then I remembered the story about the nurse at the chemo center who loved butterflies that you gave the butterfly tote bag to.  Of course I love that story because that's an example of just how giving and loving you were.  Bonnie even told that story to the newspaper reporter who did a story on you.  I know you would've hated that by the way.  You were the center of attention!  ;)  Anyway, after I remembered that, I also realized that I'm wearing your t-shirt right now that has what on it?  A big ol' butterfly.  And then K shows up tonight with a cute little cutting board that she bought me that she said reminded her of you and what's on it?  A little bird and a butterfly.  :)  Ok, I get it... that is you winking at me.  Thank you.  <3

I guess I've rambled enough for tonight.  I miss our random phone conversations about everything under the sun and I so wish we could've just had one.  I don't think I'll ever stop missing those.  Or stop missing you.  I love you so much and miss you all the time.  I'm sorry that things had to end so suddenly and that you didn't get to do everything you had planned to do.  I wish we were having Thanksgiving at the beach like you wanted to and that you had gotten your condo and your VW convertible.  I wish you had been healed and were able to go back and volunteer and help others like you wanted to.  I wish you were going to be at my wedding and you'd get to meet my children.  I'm sorry you had such a rough six months but I'm so proud of how you handled it all.  I hope you weren't scared or anxious at the end.  I hope you're okay now.  I hope you know how much I loved you.

I miss you and I love you.

~Your "Penelope Pitstop"  <3