2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
Whenever God shows up in my life in a big way, I usually say that I feel "humbled." But I don't even know if that is a big enough word for it. I feel like a blushing little girl... a giddy teenager... I feel special. As I should, as a daughter of the King. Thing is, most days it's easy to forget that. I get caught up in worrying from the time I wake up until my head hits the pillow at night. I am, after all, my mother's daughter and she made a full time career out of worrying. I'll obsess over bills, work projects, volunteer projects, cleaning, cooking, shopping, the list goes on and on. So amiss all the chaos, it's hard to stop and remember, "I AM special. I AM blessed. I am NOT hopeless!"
The past month and a half have been challenging to say the least. "Delayed" grief about my mom once the holidays were over, finances and bills and just plain loneliness/boredom seemed to all chime in at once, singing a big ol' chorus of "whoa is me." It knocked me down for a little bit when I listened to all the negative thoughts floating in and out of my head and decided it might just be easier to ignore everything and hang out with Netflix and Candy Crush Saga for a few hours... or twenty.
But after too many days of that, I started taking a few more steps. Baby steps. Nothing huge, nothing terribly out of the ordinary. Just steps that I had to take to keep moving forward instead of standing still. I reached out to a few of my Christian friends and told them how I was feeling. I started moving forward again on my work projects (which are sent straight from God, thank you!), I started a new part time job that I love, I made a few new friends. And wouldn't you know it? Just like a giant jigsaw puzzle, all these pieces started clicking together. Three of the new people I met in the past couple weeks are looking for a new church home so I was able to invite them to mine. One of them has a heart for the homeless and I just happen to be involved in an outreach ministry for the homeless so I invited her to that. Two of three have been involved in new work projects with me.
Things have just been clicking left and right! And you know why? Because I stopped depending on my own strength. When I was trying to figure it all out on my own, I couldn't. So instead, I'd give up and give in. I'd send out the invites to the pity party and key up the "whoa is me" chorus. But when I stopped depending on my own strength and started taking steps in my weakness is when I really started moving again. Sure, it was slow and I felt like I was trudging along at first, barely dragging my overwhelmed mind and body along, but almost immediately the load got lighter.
I don't have to be strong and perfect all the time. I don't have to have it all together, all figured out. All "I's" dotted and "T's" crossed. In fact, God would prefer that I don't. Because when I am feeling totally broken down, confused and defeated is when he gets to step in and remind me it was never my job to direct the show in the first place.
His power is made perfect in my weakness. His grace is sufficient. He doesn't wave a magic wand and instantly fix all of your problems, but He does use them all for good and stands by you every step of the way.
I've had a couple of those "humbling" moments in the past week or so. An unexpected check showing up in the mail for almost the exact amount I needed to make rent this month. Beautiful words of praise over a writing project that I know was divinely orchestrated. New friends with very similar life stories brought into my path.
They are the kind of small, gentle whispers from God that literally take my breath away. I am humbled. Honored. Moved. That He is there for me so perfectly and He allows me to be a vehicle for His love and a beacon for His light.
Sure, I worry sometimes that I won't do that right either (I am my mother's daughter), but I know that He's the director here, not me. I'm just happy to be a part of the show.